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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737939">After The Fall</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang'>idrilhadhafang</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Basically TROS With Kylo As A Part Of The Resistance, Fix-It, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M, Past Torture, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Supreme Leader Armitage Hux</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:00:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,345</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737939</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo doesn’t know how, but he’s looking for redemption.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>After The Fall</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: I own nothing. </p><p>Author’s Notes: Call this an idea that I’ve had for some time.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ajan Kloss. That was Resistance territory. It had taken a while to get there, but Kylo was here. Stepping over soft grass, taking in almost blinding sunlight. He supposed that it was appropriate, at any rate, knowing that he was technically coming back to the Light. </p><p>The Light. Kylo doubted he was comfortable with that idea. And yet he supposed he was tired. He’d tried the Jedi and he’d tried the Dark Side, and neither had worked for him. Was it any wonder that Hux had ousted him? Even that memory stung — it wasn’t just a matter of ego. It was a matter of having every hope he’d had likely shredded by Hux — all because of Kylo’s own foolishness, his own vanity. </p><p>The forest was quiet. There was a moment, just a moment, when Kylo wondered if it could be a trap...</p><p>...and then Poe emerged. Unarmed, non-confrontational, staring at Kylo like he had no idea what to think. </p><p>Kylo thought he knew the feeling. </p><p>“You came back.” Poe sounded amazed, and yet at the same time, hurt — Kylo could feel the woundedness underneath. He was shaking too; was Poe about to punch him? Hug him? Both?</p><p>”I had no choice.” Considering he had barely escaped with his life, considering that he had already felt his resolve beginning to crack (so many hallucinations. So many), didn’t he have to?</p><p>”You could have left earlier,” Poe said. “You didn’t have to stay.” Still that woundedness. Poe hadn’t drawn his blaster and shot him; that was the good news, at least.</p><p>He could still feel Poe’s anger. A maelstrom, mixed in with hope and old affection, stuff that seemed tangled and unable to differentiate itself. </p><p>Why had he stayed, now that Kylo thought about it? He could remember. Feeling like it was too late, feeling like he had yet to embrace his true destiny. Remembering how he’d made his promise as a youngling to defy the laws of life and death to make Poe happy. Like the galaxy needed him, somehow. </p><p>”I know,” Kylo said. </p><p>Poe looked like he was about to say something else, something more, before he said, “The General’s waiting for you.” <em>Your mother</em>, the quiet implication was. </p><p>And even walking past a group of people, many of whom seemed to be confused and flabbergasted seeing him without the mask (some recognized him, and Kylo could only imagine that was even more confusing), Kylo wondered if that was his life now. </p><p>***</p><p>The meeting with Leia didn’t go any better. It was during their “discussion” (argument, more like it, Kylo thought) that Kylo said heatedly, ”You can’t play the part of the saintly mother when you’re not perfect yourself.”</p><p>Leia looked pained in that moment. Then, “Ben — ”</p><p>”Don’t call me Ben!” Kylo was aware of clenching his fist so hard that something fell, shattered in fact. </p><p>”Kylo then,” Leia said softly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”</p><p>”You didn’t defend me from <em>him</em>.” Kylo could tell that Leia was starting to understand, at least. Snoke. “You didn’t stop him. You ignored me. Even animals protect their cubs, but you couldn’t be bothered to teach me to block my mind, or track the son of a schutta down and break his neck, or anything like that. You were willing to strangle a Hutt with your own chains, but you couldn’t be bothered to protect your own son. Me. You didn’t come for me. Not when he was putting me through hell. Not when he was shocking me. Meanwhile, you were all too willing to find a replacement in Poe, probably to pass the credit for your own failings. It’s not what you did. I don’t care about you working in the Senate; that’s the least of my worries, and working parents can still be good parents.” A beat. “It’s what you didn’t do. It was that I was unimportant to you. It’s that Snoke was invading my mind, every crevice, every corner, and you did <em>nothing</em>.” </p><p>Leia looked taken aback, and for a moment, Kylo was sorry, and yet he couldn’t stop. “And Poe didn’t come for me either,” he said. “I can only assume he was too busy basking in praise and attention to even care.”</p><p>”<em>What</em>?” Poe said. “Kylo, you — you don’t know anything. I looked everywhere for you; you have to believe that.”</p><p>It was true. For a moment, it felt like Poe had found the right way to disarm him. For a moment, Kylo could swear the anger, the anger that he had held onto for so long, was evaporating.</p><p>Leia took a deep breath. “Poe, could you escort him to his quarters?”</p><p>Poe nodded. Even as Kylo left, he could have sworn that he heard a muffled sob from Leia, and he wished, almost, that he hadn’t lashed out. </p><p>***</p><p>”What is your problem?” Poe said even as he walked with Kylo towards his room. Kylo almost wondered if it would be a lot like being under house arrest. Or something. “This is your mother you’re talking to like that.”</p><p>”Should I have forgiven her?” Kylo said acidically. “ ‘Oh, it’s perfectly all right that you didn’t protect me from Snoke; it’s not like even animals in the wild protect their cubs.’”</p><p>”It just doesn’t make sense that she wouldn’t protect you,” Poe said. “She loved you.”</p><p>”Because she had to.”</p><p>”She sent your father after you,” Poe said. “She told me.”</p><p>Kylo went quiet for a moment. Then, “She...”</p><p>”She must have been trying to make up for something,” Poe said. “Whether she failed to protect you or not. Mothers aren’t perfect, but the good ones...they still love you.”</p><p>”You had a good one. Mine...” Kylo tried to force the images into his mind. How his mother had seen the worst in him, argued with his father about how there was simply something wrong with him. How she had given up on him on Crait. How she’d sent him away. Snoke had said as much that Leia resented Kylo just for being born. And yet Kylo could remember the moments when she had shown she loved him. The Raddus, where he had felt the love she still had for him and thus had hesitated to fire. And images from his childhood — taking him to the shores of Chandrila, the ocean waves lapping against the shore. </p><p>”You’re still holding on,” Poe said evenly. “You need to let go.”</p><p>He left, leaving Kylo alone in his new quarters. Walking towards the bed, he sat down, feeling suddenly more tired and more alone than he had in quite some time. Tired. He’d come home, but it seemed like he had a lot of work to do to even prove himself. </p><p>It wasn’t like Kylo backed down from a chance to prove himself. There was just the fact that he had done so much damage to Poe, to others. Even summoning up his old excuses, his old truths...somehow they didn’t hold water here. Not when he remembered things like Poe being tortured. </p><p>Snoke had made him do that too. Even trying to argue for different ways to get the information had gotten Kylo electrocuted — and sitting there, remembering how the Force Lightning boiled through his veins and seemed to set them on fire, how Snoke had raged at him for being weak — it was almost, Kylo thought, like he’d resented Poe for a moment. Just a moment, hating Poe for what Kylo didn’t have, all while wishing Snoke was dead. </p><p>His hands were shaking. Kylo couldn’t even draw on his anger now; he swore it was like he was panicking. Even drawing away his gloves, his garments, one by one — it was a lot like his hands were shaking. Sleep. He needed sleep. </p><p>There were sleep garments that the Resistance had left out for him in his room, and Kylo was glad for it even as he slipped them on. They seemed almost too small on him, but it didn’t matter — at least, for the moment, he could sleep. </p><p>His nightmares were busy. </p>
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